Well it's been awhile since I've posted in my blog. Been busy on the job search. Right now as it stands I'm hoping to get a job at Meijer.
I've also reinstalled Firefox since I last posted, and now having done that I'm able to type using the compose editor instead of having to use the HTML editor. Not sure what was wrong before... if it was my actual Firefox install that was 'buggy', or if it was one of the extensions I had installed that was causing some type of conflict. I now have only the extensions that I use most installed.
Not gonna type much right now, as I'm feeling really tired.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Monday, August 30, 2004
Job Search--Day 1
Started out my day waking up at 8:30. Immediately got online to check job listings. Covered Michigan Talent Bank, America's Job Bank, and Career Builder. Took Break at 10:30.
Resumed job search at 1:00. Have done a more thorough covering of the Michigan Talent Bank, adding 40 jobs to my cart. Must still go through and review them and weed them down. So far Quality Dairy is looking like my best bet. Took break at 2:00.
Well, my 2 o'clock break turned into a brief conversation with Channy, followed by a 2-3 hour nap. And since waking up I've been catching up on Joker's Updates. Which means that so far today I've only spent about 3 hours total job hunting. But the night's not over! I can still continue my internet job search, and will probably do so after I eat.
Tomorrow I plan on actually doing some foot-work in the job search process. Will catch the bus downtown and start there looking for places hiring. Actually, I'll probably start with the job listings in the newspaper at the library, and then I'll beat the pavement at local businesses.
One of the main things standing in my way so far as I can see is my wardrobe. I really don't have much of a 'job hunting' wardrobe, much less an actual working wardrobe. And it doesn't matter what kind of a job I get, I have next to no clothes! And what I do have are thread bare!
Another thing that concerns me about my job search is my sparse work history... including the past four years where I haven't worked at all. But I can't give up hope that somebody, someplace would like to hire me.
Continued online job search from 8:30pm-11:30pm, making my total job search time today 6 hours. Not bad... for a lazy ass like myself.
I narrowed the jobs in MTB's cart down from 41 to 14. Saved some jobs on Career Builder and AJB, and did skills and outlook assesment at CareerOneStop.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Laura Branigan, how am I supposed to live with out you?
I just learned that Laura Branigan died of a brain aneurysm in her sleep at the age of 47. So I've been sitting around listening to her music as a personal tribute to her. I always find it sad when people that I associate with my youth die. It's almost as though part of my youth dies with them... and it makes me feel older. If you're interested in hearing some of Laura Branigan's music, check out the following link: Laura Branigan at cdzlimited The site holds a comprehensive list of Branigan songs in streaming media format which can be listened to in your windows media player. Who that grew up in the 80's can forget songs like Gloria, Self Control, Power of Love and How Am I Supposed to Live Without You... I personally find the cdzlimited site a wonderful resource for all types of music on demand. So even if you're not interested in Laura Branigan, check out the site... I'm sure they'll have something that you are interested in.
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Black Hole
I woke up this mornin'
Tried to get outta my bed
But I wasn't at home
At first I thought I was dead
I was lyin' in an alley
With a torn up shirt
My blanket was the sunday news
My pillow was dirt
A man walked up
He had a bottle in his hand
He mumbled a few words
That I did not understand
I said 'Hey, I need help.'
But the man did not care
He just turned around and walked away
And left me lyin' there
I put my head in my hands
And my hands on my knees
And I sat there...just sat there... cryin'
What had happened on the night
That lead to this day
And left me where I was lyin'
Musta had a few too many drinks
And a few too many tokes
And with that thought
I reached for my smokes
But my pockets were empty
And so was my soul
So I went searchin' for some answers
To fill the black hole
To fill the black, black hole
Friday, August 27, 2004
I'm bummed...
...I found out today that the money that was supposed to pay for my trip to the UK didn't come through. Does this mean I actually have to go out and get a job and save money if I want to see my girlfriend? What's this world coming to when they actually expect people to work for what they want!?! I know they say there's no such thing as a free lunch, but I've made it this far pretty well... heheheee...
Oh well... guess I'll be checking the job postings. I'm just not sure how much money I'll actually gain even if I do get a job. My SSI will be taken away, and I'm sure they'll be taking the money I owe for student loans out of my paychecks, too. So will I be better off or not? Can't say... but I know I don't have the money to pay for a trip to England now, and that means I have to atleast try to come up with it.
Oh well... guess I'll be checking the job postings. I'm just not sure how much money I'll actually gain even if I do get a job. My SSI will be taken away, and I'm sure they'll be taking the money I owe for student loans out of my paychecks, too. So will I be better off or not? Can't say... but I know I don't have the money to pay for a trip to England now, and that means I have to atleast try to come up with it.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
No Porcupines In Southern Michigan
The Michigan Wildlife Conservancy finally replied to my email regarding porcupines in Mid-Michigan. Apparently there are none in Southern Michigan. They said I'd have to go north of Houghton Lake to see one. Bummer...
It's 1 o'clock... Do You Know Where Your Possums Are?
I'm tired, I'm hungry and my place is a mess. I could be eating, sleeping or cleaning, but instead I've been stumbling. Ha... funny, when I was typing that sentence, instead of 'sleeping or cleaning', I almost typed 'drinking or smoking'. My brain's not quite working well right now, as it is almost 1 a.m.
I had three possums outside my door earlier. It got quite warm today, and then we got a bit of a storm, which cooled things off a bit. So after the storm died down I opened my door to help cool down my apartment. Within five minutes of opening my door, a possum emerged from the left. I clapped my hands and it looked at me that turned around and went back towards the yard. A few minutes later I heard a noise outside, and I looked and saw a possum coming from the right this time. It ran right past my door towards the backyard, and following it was yet another possum. Looked like the one was chasing the other. It was kinda cute, actually. My cat didn't think so. She sat right up in her bed and just stared out the door for about a half an hour before she finally decided her 'cave'(that is, my home) was not about to be taken over by a whole pack of ugly looking North American marsupials.
I'm sure 'pack' isn't the correct word to describe a group of possoms. I wonder what term is used? Think I'll look that up on the net right now. Oh good... something else to do besides eat, sleep or clean.
UPDATE: I'm still hungry and tired and my place is still a mess. I have however learned an awful lot about possums. Unfortunately, one of the things I've learned is not what you call a group of them.
The Virginia Opossum is a solitary animal, and does not congregate. One website stated if you see a group of them, it's probably a mother and her children. The children were referred to as joeys, like their distant marsupial cousins, the kangaroo. And since a group of kangaroos is known as either a mob or a troop, I'm going to refer to a group of possums as a mob... or a troop.
I'm also going to make appoint of only referring to Virginia Opossums as 'possums', and never as 'opossums', which is what they are.
Aparently there's another species native to Australasia which is correctly referred to as simply possum... named by Captain Cook for their similarity to the Opossums he encountered in South America. That is... named opossum. And apparently some australians still refer to the Australasian possum as 'opossum'.
Very little was mentioned on the web that we in the U.S...atleast in my section of the U.S... often refer to the Virginia opossum as simply possum. I first searched for opossum, knowing that's it's correct name. And then when I didn't find what I was looking for (yeah...you remember... what to call a group of them thar varmits), I then did a search for possums. Almost all of my search results were referring to the Australasian possum, with a couple of results referring to the Virginia opossum as 'possum (note the initial apostrophe denoting a letter is being left out.) There was one result-- a usenet post-- that did refer to opossums as simply possums. Well I'll have you know, that I grew up calling them simply possums. I didn't even know until I was an adult that they were actually called opossums. And for the sake of keeping my native dialect alive, I hearby refuse to refer to them as 'opossums'. From now on, it's stictly 'possum' to me.
I had three possums outside my door earlier. It got quite warm today, and then we got a bit of a storm, which cooled things off a bit. So after the storm died down I opened my door to help cool down my apartment. Within five minutes of opening my door, a possum emerged from the left. I clapped my hands and it looked at me that turned around and went back towards the yard. A few minutes later I heard a noise outside, and I looked and saw a possum coming from the right this time. It ran right past my door towards the backyard, and following it was yet another possum. Looked like the one was chasing the other. It was kinda cute, actually. My cat didn't think so. She sat right up in her bed and just stared out the door for about a half an hour before she finally decided her 'cave'(that is, my home) was not about to be taken over by a whole pack of ugly looking North American marsupials.
I'm sure 'pack' isn't the correct word to describe a group of possoms. I wonder what term is used? Think I'll look that up on the net right now. Oh good... something else to do besides eat, sleep or clean.
UPDATE: I'm still hungry and tired and my place is still a mess. I have however learned an awful lot about possums. Unfortunately, one of the things I've learned is not what you call a group of them.
The Virginia Opossum is a solitary animal, and does not congregate. One website stated if you see a group of them, it's probably a mother and her children. The children were referred to as joeys, like their distant marsupial cousins, the kangaroo. And since a group of kangaroos is known as either a mob or a troop, I'm going to refer to a group of possums as a mob... or a troop.
I'm also going to make appoint of only referring to Virginia Opossums as 'possums', and never as 'opossums', which is what they are.
Aparently there's another species native to Australasia which is correctly referred to as simply possum... named by Captain Cook for their similarity to the Opossums he encountered in South America. That is... named opossum. And apparently some australians still refer to the Australasian possum as 'opossum'.
Very little was mentioned on the web that we in the U.S...atleast in my section of the U.S... often refer to the Virginia opossum as simply possum. I first searched for opossum, knowing that's it's correct name. And then when I didn't find what I was looking for (yeah...you remember... what to call a group of them thar varmits), I then did a search for possums. Almost all of my search results were referring to the Australasian possum, with a couple of results referring to the Virginia opossum as 'possum (note the initial apostrophe denoting a letter is being left out.) There was one result-- a usenet post-- that did refer to opossums as simply possums. Well I'll have you know, that I grew up calling them simply possums. I didn't even know until I was an adult that they were actually called opossums. And for the sake of keeping my native dialect alive, I hearby refuse to refer to them as 'opossums'. From now on, it's stictly 'possum' to me.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
On Bashing...
I'm a fan of the CBS reality series Big Brother. I've been addicted to it since the very first season, and we're now on the fifth season. I make a point of never missing a telivised episode, and I frequent Joker's Updates boards for the latest live feed updates and Big Brother discussion.
Unfortunately, there's a lot of HG(houseguest) bashing that goes on in the boards. All of the HGs are bashed, but some more than others. Right now the bashing that bothers me the most involves 'cowboy' and 'the fitness twins'.
Cowboy's real name is Michael and he's from Oklahoma. He was part a big part of this years theme, 'Project DNA', when they placed him in the house with the sister he never met, 'Nakomis', whose real name is Jennifer.
The Fitness Twins are the other big part of Project DNA. Adria and Natalie switched in and out of the house every few days for five weeks... but the other HGs were not aware that there was two... they only new about Adria. After successfully fooling the others for five weeks, they both got to be in the house at the same time... as seperate individuals. Needless to say, now that they are both in the house, they have targets on their backs. Cowboy and Nakomis were able to avoid a similar fate since they didn't even know about each other's existence prior to coming into the house and, quite frankly, they're polar opposites and don't really get along.
At the most recent nomination ceremony, Nakomis put up the twins for eviction. When Adria won the veto challenge and took herself off the block, she then put her own brother up in her place. So now Natalie and Cowboy are on the block with one, most likely Natalie, to be evicted tomorrow night.
But about the bashing that bothers me so much... Cowboy gets bashed for a number of reasons... from his appearance, to his intelligence, to the way he runs around with his nose stuck up particular people's asses. But the bashing that bothers me the most, is when people make fun of his dialect. Yes... that's right... his dialect. All of us speak a particular dialect of whatever our native language is. The standard or formal dialect may differ greatly from what many of us speak at home. Most of us, through the course of public education, learn the standard dialect, and are able to speak it when appropriate. But when just hangin' with friends, all of our education can go to the wayside in favor of our own local, familial, racial or personal dialects. And some people never really get a good grasp on the formal dialect in the first place. Cowboy is one such person.
So why does it upset me so? Because I like accents and dialects... they add color to our often too standardized language. And from a linguistical perspective, no accent and no dialect is better than any other. One is simply proscribed by the school systems for the sake of standarization.
Standardization is good... don't get me wrong. Our civilization would not have progressed as far as it has without standard units of measure, standard money, standard roadways... and of course standard language. Such standarization brings unity to people and places near and far. But what does that have to do with Cowboy?
Cowboy is just a security guard from Oklahoma, with aspirations of landing his own sitcom after his Big Brother gig is up. Well guess what... even if Cowboy didn't speak in such a heavy, non-standard dialect, odds are he won't ever be landing his own sitcom. I predict he'll be back in Oklahoma standing guard and doing security checks. And I bet his dialect is good enough for that job.
I could write more about that subject, but I haven't even touched on the twin bashing that goes on on Joker's. And actually, I don't feel like getting into that now, so perhaps I'll save it for another time... or perhaps not.
Unfortunately, there's a lot of HG(houseguest) bashing that goes on in the boards. All of the HGs are bashed, but some more than others. Right now the bashing that bothers me the most involves 'cowboy' and 'the fitness twins'.
Cowboy's real name is Michael and he's from Oklahoma. He was part a big part of this years theme, 'Project DNA', when they placed him in the house with the sister he never met, 'Nakomis', whose real name is Jennifer.
The Fitness Twins are the other big part of Project DNA. Adria and Natalie switched in and out of the house every few days for five weeks... but the other HGs were not aware that there was two... they only new about Adria. After successfully fooling the others for five weeks, they both got to be in the house at the same time... as seperate individuals. Needless to say, now that they are both in the house, they have targets on their backs. Cowboy and Nakomis were able to avoid a similar fate since they didn't even know about each other's existence prior to coming into the house and, quite frankly, they're polar opposites and don't really get along.
At the most recent nomination ceremony, Nakomis put up the twins for eviction. When Adria won the veto challenge and took herself off the block, she then put her own brother up in her place. So now Natalie and Cowboy are on the block with one, most likely Natalie, to be evicted tomorrow night.
But about the bashing that bothers me so much... Cowboy gets bashed for a number of reasons... from his appearance, to his intelligence, to the way he runs around with his nose stuck up particular people's asses. But the bashing that bothers me the most, is when people make fun of his dialect. Yes... that's right... his dialect. All of us speak a particular dialect of whatever our native language is. The standard or formal dialect may differ greatly from what many of us speak at home. Most of us, through the course of public education, learn the standard dialect, and are able to speak it when appropriate. But when just hangin' with friends, all of our education can go to the wayside in favor of our own local, familial, racial or personal dialects. And some people never really get a good grasp on the formal dialect in the first place. Cowboy is one such person.
So why does it upset me so? Because I like accents and dialects... they add color to our often too standardized language. And from a linguistical perspective, no accent and no dialect is better than any other. One is simply proscribed by the school systems for the sake of standarization.
Standardization is good... don't get me wrong. Our civilization would not have progressed as far as it has without standard units of measure, standard money, standard roadways... and of course standard language. Such standarization brings unity to people and places near and far. But what does that have to do with Cowboy?
Cowboy is just a security guard from Oklahoma, with aspirations of landing his own sitcom after his Big Brother gig is up. Well guess what... even if Cowboy didn't speak in such a heavy, non-standard dialect, odds are he won't ever be landing his own sitcom. I predict he'll be back in Oklahoma standing guard and doing security checks. And I bet his dialect is good enough for that job.
I could write more about that subject, but I haven't even touched on the twin bashing that goes on on Joker's. And actually, I don't feel like getting into that now, so perhaps I'll save it for another time... or perhaps not.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
1 in 3 Americans Has High Blood Pressure
Blood Pressure Rates on Rise in U.S. Study Finds
Honestly, I think articles like this make my blood pressure rise. Ok, so one 1 in 3 Americans suffers from high blood pressure, up from 1 in 4 a decade ago... and to top it off, most don't know they have it.
I haven't been to a doctor in more than four years. I kind of lost faith in them after my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She had been sick for a while and had complained to her doctor about it, but he didn't even bother to run the appropriate tests to find her cancer. It wasn't until she was really sick, and the cancer had progressed too far, that she decided to opt for a second opinion and went to the emergency room.
Well that kind of made it hard to deny that doctors are only human and, at the very least, are prone to err just like the rest of us. I also can't help thinking about a friend of my family-- he went to the doctor for a check-up, got a clean bill of health, came home and died of a heart attack that very night. So how much faith can we really put in doctors? I've started viewing medicine more as guess work than as an exact science. I haven't been in for a check-up since 2000, and as I've had no pains or other problems that were too unbairable to cope with, I just haven't bothered going to see my doctor at all.
Now suddenly blood pressure is all over the news. The networks and local stations alike are bent on reporting it, and showing doctors and younger sufferers of high blood pressure to justify the seriousness of the problem. And I'm here, just turned 36, haven't had a recent check-up, I not only don't exercise regularly, but seldom do anything but sit on my ass all day long, and not only do I smoke, I smoke unfiltered cigarettes, because the only way I can continue to afford my habit with the rising cigarette taxes is to roll my own. Combine this with the fact that high blood pressure runs in my family and that both of my parents were diagnosed with high blood pressure in their thirties, I'm thinking maybe I should start taking this blood pressure thing more seriously.
Not only should I go to the doctor and have my blood pressure checked, but I'm suddenly finding myself motivated to quit smoking, excercise, and put myself on a heart-smart diet. Never mind that I've always had low blood-pressure... and I don't mean normal blood pressure... I mean low. Suddenly with the frequency of cautionary reporting on high blood pressure on the news, I'm obsessed with health... possibly to unhealthy proportions. I'm sitting here right now barely able to wait to have my blood pressure checked... I'm on the verge of a panic attack over it. So as I said to start with... I really think articles like this make my blood pressure rise. I'm just gonna stop paying attention to the news. I've got better things to do anyway... like joining a gym and looking up some low-fat recipes online.
Honestly, I think articles like this make my blood pressure rise. Ok, so one 1 in 3 Americans suffers from high blood pressure, up from 1 in 4 a decade ago... and to top it off, most don't know they have it.
I haven't been to a doctor in more than four years. I kind of lost faith in them after my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She had been sick for a while and had complained to her doctor about it, but he didn't even bother to run the appropriate tests to find her cancer. It wasn't until she was really sick, and the cancer had progressed too far, that she decided to opt for a second opinion and went to the emergency room.
Well that kind of made it hard to deny that doctors are only human and, at the very least, are prone to err just like the rest of us. I also can't help thinking about a friend of my family-- he went to the doctor for a check-up, got a clean bill of health, came home and died of a heart attack that very night. So how much faith can we really put in doctors? I've started viewing medicine more as guess work than as an exact science. I haven't been in for a check-up since 2000, and as I've had no pains or other problems that were too unbairable to cope with, I just haven't bothered going to see my doctor at all.
Now suddenly blood pressure is all over the news. The networks and local stations alike are bent on reporting it, and showing doctors and younger sufferers of high blood pressure to justify the seriousness of the problem. And I'm here, just turned 36, haven't had a recent check-up, I not only don't exercise regularly, but seldom do anything but sit on my ass all day long, and not only do I smoke, I smoke unfiltered cigarettes, because the only way I can continue to afford my habit with the rising cigarette taxes is to roll my own. Combine this with the fact that high blood pressure runs in my family and that both of my parents were diagnosed with high blood pressure in their thirties, I'm thinking maybe I should start taking this blood pressure thing more seriously.
Not only should I go to the doctor and have my blood pressure checked, but I'm suddenly finding myself motivated to quit smoking, excercise, and put myself on a heart-smart diet. Never mind that I've always had low blood-pressure... and I don't mean normal blood pressure... I mean low. Suddenly with the frequency of cautionary reporting on high blood pressure on the news, I'm obsessed with health... possibly to unhealthy proportions. I'm sitting here right now barely able to wait to have my blood pressure checked... I'm on the verge of a panic attack over it. So as I said to start with... I really think articles like this make my blood pressure rise. I'm just gonna stop paying attention to the news. I've got better things to do anyway... like joining a gym and looking up some low-fat recipes online.
Monday, August 23, 2004
Happy Birthday Gram!
I'm off to spend the day with my Grandma, as it's her birthday. Will be taking my laptop with me, so I may post more later tonight, if any thoughts should arise. But right now I gotta fix a light lunch and get in the shower. Need to tidy up my place a bit and maybe make a phone call before I go. Taking my kitty with me too, so I've gotta get her around and in her carrier. Why am I bothering to write this in my blog? I dunno... just cuz I've made a vow to myself to write in my blog everyday, and I don't know if I'll get the chance to do so later.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
To Hell...and Howell...and Detroit... and Back
Well yesterday I went to the African World Festival in Detroit. It's an annual festival hosted by The Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History. My friend Sherri and I went. Neither of us are African American, and we were two of only a handful of other caucasians there, amongst literally thousands of African Americans. It was interesting seeing what it was like being part of a small minority for a change.
On the way to Detroit, we took a little detour through Hell, Michigan. Hell basically consists of two gift shops and a biker bar. It was a bit of a disappointment, but neither of us had been there before. And Sherri was trying to avoid another traffic jam like the one she got stuck in the last time she tried going to a festival in Detroit.
Over all, Hell wasn't such a bad place compared to some of the sections of Detroit we ended up in looking for the festival. We had a really hard time finding where we were supposed to be, and we ended up going down a very long stretch of street that was nothing but abandoned buildings. Very large abandoned buildings with all of the windows broken out. Not being from a large city, the sites seemed almost surreal to me. It's a shame really... all that land area no longer being used. They really should do some development there.
But when we got to the festival, it was at a beautiful location, right on Detroit's Riverfront which is just across the Detroit River from Windsor, Ontario, Canada. One of the stages was set up at such a spot so we could just sit there and gaze at the beautiful Windsor skyline while we listened to music.
We walked around the various booths looking at nifty African arts and crafts. I bought a whistle for a dollar. Then Sherri wanted to eat, but the lines were so long I didn't think it was worth waiting for. I went and sat and listened to more music while Sherri waited in line.
After Sherri ate, we headed back home. We asked before leaving the parking ramp the best way to get back to Lansing, cuz we didn't wanna get stuck in any bad parts of Detroit after dark. We found it out of Detroit easily enough, but ended up getting all turned around when Sherri had to make a pit stop in Howell. We ended up back-tracking and go around in circles before we found our way back on the highway. Then we ended up on a stretch of highway that we were on like 15 minutes before we got off at the Howell exit.
But, I guess we made it back eventually, around 11:30 at night. My cat was meowing like crazy when I came home. My neighbor tells me that was going on since 3:30 in the afternoon. Poor Kitty... she missed her mommy.
On the way to Detroit, we took a little detour through Hell, Michigan. Hell basically consists of two gift shops and a biker bar. It was a bit of a disappointment, but neither of us had been there before. And Sherri was trying to avoid another traffic jam like the one she got stuck in the last time she tried going to a festival in Detroit.
Over all, Hell wasn't such a bad place compared to some of the sections of Detroit we ended up in looking for the festival. We had a really hard time finding where we were supposed to be, and we ended up going down a very long stretch of street that was nothing but abandoned buildings. Very large abandoned buildings with all of the windows broken out. Not being from a large city, the sites seemed almost surreal to me. It's a shame really... all that land area no longer being used. They really should do some development there.
But when we got to the festival, it was at a beautiful location, right on Detroit's Riverfront which is just across the Detroit River from Windsor, Ontario, Canada. One of the stages was set up at such a spot so we could just sit there and gaze at the beautiful Windsor skyline while we listened to music.
We walked around the various booths looking at nifty African arts and crafts. I bought a whistle for a dollar. Then Sherri wanted to eat, but the lines were so long I didn't think it was worth waiting for. I went and sat and listened to more music while Sherri waited in line.
After Sherri ate, we headed back home. We asked before leaving the parking ramp the best way to get back to Lansing, cuz we didn't wanna get stuck in any bad parts of Detroit after dark. We found it out of Detroit easily enough, but ended up getting all turned around when Sherri had to make a pit stop in Howell. We ended up back-tracking and go around in circles before we found our way back on the highway. Then we ended up on a stretch of highway that we were on like 15 minutes before we got off at the Howell exit.
But, I guess we made it back eventually, around 11:30 at night. My cat was meowing like crazy when I came home. My neighbor tells me that was going on since 3:30 in the afternoon. Poor Kitty... she missed her mommy.
Friday, August 20, 2004
The rain falls where it wants to...
5 years ago, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I was devastated upon hearing the news. At that time, I had just started on Zoloft and was taking 100 mg./day-- half of the dosage that I'm currently taking. Suffering from depression, I looked to all sorts of ways to help me get through my life and find reason to stay alive. One of those ways was the radio-- I'd turn on the radio and listen for some sort of meaning in whatever song happened to be playing. Perhaps I was hoping for a personal message sent to me by God, or the Universe, or whatever... but if I wasn't getting that, I DID often get the hope that I was looking for.
So with the news that my mother had cancer, and was not expected to survive it, I once again turned on the radio looking for comfort. It was late at night and I couldn't sleep. I had just been laying in bed in the dark crying, occasionally sitting up for a cigarette. Then I thought to myself 'I'll turn on the radio... please God... help me get through this.' And with that thought I stood up and hit the power button, only to hear some cheesy love song playing on the oldies station that I normally have my radio tuned to. Knowing that wasn't what I was looking for, I changed the station to a Christian Rock station. Then I remembered something.
I suddenly remembered that when I was a kid and I couldn't sleep at night, my mother would let me lay in her bed and she would turn on her clock-radio for me to fall asleep to. Wow... my reliance on the radio for comfort went back further than I had initially realized-- it was my mother that got that started! But Mom would always have her radio on WITL 100, The Best in the Country... a Lansing country music station. So then I said to myself 'Ok Mom...you send me a nice song', and I turned the dial to FM 100.
What I then heard coming from my radio is exactly what I have posted in the bottom right corner of this blog... Gary Allan singing Smoke Rings in the Dark. I'd never heard the song before, and I didn't know at the time that it was another love-gone-bad song, as that's really only obvious if you hear the first verse (well ok... and in the chorus... but I interpreted it differently at the time). I came in during the second verse, and heard only the portion of the song that I have posted here...
And as I sat there on the edge of my bed listening to this song and 'blowing smoke rings in the dark', I felt as though my mother was singing to me. The line about the whiskey seemed to me at that time to be the clue that this was the case-- whiskey was my mother's greatest vice. She was an alcoholic and she'd go through those bottles of Kessler like it was water. And during the chorus where it says 'I know I must be going', it was as though my mother was letting me know that she was at peace with her own mortality. Then the final verse 'The rain falls where it wants to. The wind blows where it will. Everything on earth goes somewhere', was like a spiritual lesson reminding me that 1)we're not in control of when we die, and 2)we're all going to die some day, but that our soul will live on. Then the very last part of the song, 'I'm not going to wake you. I'll go easy on your heart. I'll touch your face and drift away like smoke rings in the dark.'... yeah... that's just what my mother would do. She would just allow herself to die quietly, not wanting to disturb or worry the ones that she loves.
So this song... a song that I had never heard until the night that my mother told me she only had two months to live... suddenly became a song that I associate with my mother... and with her death. I listen to the song every year on her birthday, on mother's day, and on the anniversary of the day that she died. I don't even know if my mother ever heard the song, or if she liked it if she did hear it. But to me, it's a song that I hold very dear to my heart... as if the lyrics were wise words... spoken directly from my mother to me.
So with the news that my mother had cancer, and was not expected to survive it, I once again turned on the radio looking for comfort. It was late at night and I couldn't sleep. I had just been laying in bed in the dark crying, occasionally sitting up for a cigarette. Then I thought to myself 'I'll turn on the radio... please God... help me get through this.' And with that thought I stood up and hit the power button, only to hear some cheesy love song playing on the oldies station that I normally have my radio tuned to. Knowing that wasn't what I was looking for, I changed the station to a Christian Rock station. Then I remembered something.
I suddenly remembered that when I was a kid and I couldn't sleep at night, my mother would let me lay in her bed and she would turn on her clock-radio for me to fall asleep to. Wow... my reliance on the radio for comfort went back further than I had initially realized-- it was my mother that got that started! But Mom would always have her radio on WITL 100, The Best in the Country... a Lansing country music station. So then I said to myself 'Ok Mom...you send me a nice song', and I turned the dial to FM 100.
What I then heard coming from my radio is exactly what I have posted in the bottom right corner of this blog... Gary Allan singing Smoke Rings in the Dark. I'd never heard the song before, and I didn't know at the time that it was another love-gone-bad song, as that's really only obvious if you hear the first verse (well ok... and in the chorus... but I interpreted it differently at the time). I came in during the second verse, and heard only the portion of the song that I have posted here...
The loneliness within me
Takes a heavy toll
'Cause it burns as slow as whiskey
through an empty aching soul
And the night is like a dagger
Long and cold and sharp
As I sit here on the front steps
Blowing smoke rings in the dark
I- I- I know I must be going
'Cause loves already gone
And all I'm taking with me
are the pieces of my heart
And all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark
The rain falls where it wants to
The wind blows where it will
Everything on earth goes somewhere
But I swear we're standin' still
So I'm not going to wake you
I'll go easy on your heart
I'll just touch your face and drift away
Like smoke rings in the dark
And as I sat there on the edge of my bed listening to this song and 'blowing smoke rings in the dark', I felt as though my mother was singing to me. The line about the whiskey seemed to me at that time to be the clue that this was the case-- whiskey was my mother's greatest vice. She was an alcoholic and she'd go through those bottles of Kessler like it was water. And during the chorus where it says 'I know I must be going', it was as though my mother was letting me know that she was at peace with her own mortality. Then the final verse 'The rain falls where it wants to. The wind blows where it will. Everything on earth goes somewhere', was like a spiritual lesson reminding me that 1)we're not in control of when we die, and 2)we're all going to die some day, but that our soul will live on. Then the very last part of the song, 'I'm not going to wake you. I'll go easy on your heart. I'll touch your face and drift away like smoke rings in the dark.'... yeah... that's just what my mother would do. She would just allow herself to die quietly, not wanting to disturb or worry the ones that she loves.
So this song... a song that I had never heard until the night that my mother told me she only had two months to live... suddenly became a song that I associate with my mother... and with her death. I listen to the song every year on her birthday, on mother's day, and on the anniversary of the day that she died. I don't even know if my mother ever heard the song, or if she liked it if she did hear it. But to me, it's a song that I hold very dear to my heart... as if the lyrics were wise words... spoken directly from my mother to me.
Can't stand the excitement...
Highlights of my day:
- Awoke to a beautiful sunny day!(well, actually I awoke to my cat's rough tongue on my face, but it's all good...)
- My neighbor found a monthly bus-pass and gave it to me!
- Caught the bus downtown. Was slightly concerned as I was the only American on the bus for almost half of the trip.
- Arrived downtown and walked a block before stopping to roll a smoke in front of the library. Spilled half of my tobacco on the ground.
- After completing my errands and arriving back home, I tore my apartment apart looking for papers which I never found. Found a lot of other interesting stuff I'd forgotten about... like my etch-a-sketch and a letter to my girlfriend written 9 months ago but never sent.
- Watched Will get evicted from Big Brother
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Gotta get a move on...
Not feeling so fatigued today, but I still didn't get anything done. I picked my place up a bit, but didn't leave at all... except to check my mail. I had none... or it was late. Should probably go check on it again.
It's actually kind of strange that I'm feeling better today, considering that I was up until 6 and then woken up by Doug at 10 only to fall back to sleep and wake bake up just after 11. I feel tired... but not that completely exhausted feeling I had yesterday and the day before. Think maybe it was anxiety induced.
I really feel like doing more cleaning now, which is odd for me. I should probably take advantage of the mood though... while it lasts. Of course, it may not even last long enough for me to shut down my computer...lol. But the sooner I act, the more likely I'll get something done. Anything would be better than nothing.
It's actually kind of strange that I'm feeling better today, considering that I was up until 6 and then woken up by Doug at 10 only to fall back to sleep and wake bake up just after 11. I feel tired... but not that completely exhausted feeling I had yesterday and the day before. Think maybe it was anxiety induced.
I really feel like doing more cleaning now, which is odd for me. I should probably take advantage of the mood though... while it lasts. Of course, it may not even last long enough for me to shut down my computer...lol. But the sooner I act, the more likely I'll get something done. Anything would be better than nothing.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Why do I feel so EXHAUSTED lately?
Should I go to the doctor? Do I need to just rest? Am I not eating right? Maybe I just need more excercise. And to quit smoking. Maybe I should be taking vitamins. I don't know. I just know that I feel like absolute sh*t. No really... it's true. Could it be depression? Is my Zoloft no longer working? I can't write anymore... I'm too tired.
Monday, August 16, 2004
New Week...Old Addictions
Well here were are... a brand new week. Feeling like stepping away from the net for awhile and actually spending more time outside of my home. But let's see if I actually act on that before the mood wanes.
Wow... it's so weird. They have 'Soap Talk' on ABC now instead of 'The View'. But they're not calling it 'Soap Talk', they're calling it 'Soap Reveals', or some such nonsense. Oh wow... They've got the Greenlee-Ryan-Kendall love triangle on. And they just said that Rebecca Budig, who plays Greenlee Smythe on All My Children and 'Bachelor Bob' Guiney got married! I kind think it's cool, and it kinda bugs me at the same time. He's from Michigan, and I liked him on 'The Bachelorette', but kind of hated him on 'The Bachelor'. And I've been kind of torn about his and Rebecca's relationship. But now they're married. I'm kind of jealous cuz I LOVE Rebecca. And I also think she could do BETTER than Bob. On the other hand, it's cool cuz I paid attention to the bachelor, and then it turns out that he's dating one of my favorite soap stars. Well... now he's MARRIED to her. And it's also cool cuz he's from Michigan, just like ME!.
Well... I'll write more later. Ta-ta...
Wow... it's so weird. They have 'Soap Talk' on ABC now instead of 'The View'. But they're not calling it 'Soap Talk', they're calling it 'Soap Reveals', or some such nonsense. Oh wow... They've got the Greenlee-Ryan-Kendall love triangle on. And they just said that Rebecca Budig, who plays Greenlee Smythe on All My Children and 'Bachelor Bob' Guiney got married! I kind think it's cool, and it kinda bugs me at the same time. He's from Michigan, and I liked him on 'The Bachelorette', but kind of hated him on 'The Bachelor'. And I've been kind of torn about his and Rebecca's relationship. But now they're married. I'm kind of jealous cuz I LOVE Rebecca. And I also think she could do BETTER than Bob. On the other hand, it's cool cuz I paid attention to the bachelor, and then it turns out that he's dating one of my favorite soap stars. Well... now he's MARRIED to her. And it's also cool cuz he's from Michigan, just like ME!.
Well... I'll write more later. Ta-ta...
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
The Procrastinator's Blog
Well... it's been awhile since I've posted anything. Publishing my own blog isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Mostly I just find myself with nothing much of interest. But... I'll keep working on it.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 36. I was born August 12th, 1968 at Edward W. Sparrow Hospital in Lansing, Michigan. At some point I'll write more about my life. I should call this "The Procrastinator's Blog", cuz all I seem to be saying is "I'll post more about (enter topic)later."
I have do have some new 'artwork' to share:
This is called 'Explosion', and it started out being a black blob until I worked my magic on it. I like how it turned out.
And this one I call 'Toxic Graffiti', which I really really like.
Then there's this old one I did:
I named this 'Penniless', although I no longer no why...lol.
Well... That's about it for now. I'll try to post more tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 36. I was born August 12th, 1968 at Edward W. Sparrow Hospital in Lansing, Michigan. At some point I'll write more about my life. I should call this "The Procrastinator's Blog", cuz all I seem to be saying is "I'll post more about (enter topic)
I have do have some new 'artwork' to share:
This is called 'Explosion', and it started out being a black blob until I worked my magic on it. I like how it turned out.
And this one I call 'Toxic Graffiti', which I really really like.
Then there's this old one I did:
I named this 'Penniless', although I no longer no why...lol.
Well... That's about it for now. I'll try to post more tomorrow.
Friday, August 06, 2004
HoHoHOooooo Hi...
Well the past 36 hours or so have been all about Big Brother for me. I got all excited about the twin twist and about getting to see one of the 4 horsemen gooooooo! And today I've still been paying attention to the goings on in the house. It appears the Nakomis has nominated Diane and Marvin, with the plan that who ever wins will then take Diane off the block and then Nakomis will put Jase up in her place, making way for his ouster. But that's how things are shaping up on Big Brother... What else is new with me? Not too much. I feel really fatigued today. Maybe from not drinking enough water, or maybe from having too many sweets in recent days. I wish I was feeling better because I would really love to be able to write something more meaningful in this blog. But it's kind of hard the way I'm feeling now. I do have a few ideas lined up for some entries I'd like to put in this blog. I'm really trying to decide if I wanna have a blog with varied types of entries, or if it would be better to stick with one particular theme for this blog. And I could always start another blog if I was interested in deviating from the theme. But since this blog is still in its infancy, I'll just let it grow into what it will. Well my kitty cat has come inside, and Dharma and Greg is on TV, so that's kind of my signal to post this and get offline for a bit.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Election 2004
Election 2004 is an abstract that I just created with Pixia. I'll write more about why I gave it that name later.
Blah...
I slept until 1 o'clock this afternoon...lmfao. Musta needed to catch up on some sleep. Last night I remember being soooooooooooo tired, I almost felt like I was drugged. I couldn't stay awake as late as I usually do. And now I'm just online catching up on the Big Brother live feed updates at Joker's.
People in the BB house are starting to have doubts about Adria, and she's acting now like she's having panic attacks. She's pretty nervous, I'm sure, about the big twin-twist reveal, and Natalie coming into the house. Hell...I'm nervous for them, so I can only imagine how nervous they both are.
Yeah, I'm a Big Brother junkie. I have been since the very first season. I cried when Brit got evicted. It was absolutely devastating. I kinda gotta wonder with the seriousness that I took it, if it wasn't some unresolved grief from my mother dying spilling over.
My mom died May 27, 2000... Right around the time that Big Brother first aired. I think my wrapping myself up in the show was all a part of me trying not to deal with the pain of my mother's death. It was easy to do... even without live feeds, I could keep up on the goings-on in the BB house 24/7 by getting on Joker's and reading the updates postings. And should all the houseguests be asleep, there was still discussion going on on the p/x.
And when that first season of BB was over with, I started going through withdrawal. I need something else to obsess about... so I got back into my soaps. There were, and still are, a lot of ABC soap fans at Joker's. So when the postings about BB stopped, I started reading the soap postings. Eventually they started a separate forums for the soaps. Well, it wasn't long before I was back watching my soaps. And I still am watching them... I'm watching them right now, in fact.
Oh my... OLTL is starting... that means it's 2 o'clock, so I should end this post and see if my girlie's online.
People in the BB house are starting to have doubts about Adria, and she's acting now like she's having panic attacks. She's pretty nervous, I'm sure, about the big twin-twist reveal, and Natalie coming into the house. Hell...I'm nervous for them, so I can only imagine how nervous they both are.
Yeah, I'm a Big Brother junkie. I have been since the very first season. I cried when Brit got evicted. It was absolutely devastating. I kinda gotta wonder with the seriousness that I took it, if it wasn't some unresolved grief from my mother dying spilling over.
My mom died May 27, 2000... Right around the time that Big Brother first aired. I think my wrapping myself up in the show was all a part of me trying not to deal with the pain of my mother's death. It was easy to do... even without live feeds, I could keep up on the goings-on in the BB house 24/7 by getting on Joker's and reading the updates postings. And should all the houseguests be asleep, there was still discussion going on on the p/x.
And when that first season of BB was over with, I started going through withdrawal. I need something else to obsess about... so I got back into my soaps. There were, and still are, a lot of ABC soap fans at Joker's. So when the postings about BB stopped, I started reading the soap postings. Eventually they started a separate forums for the soaps. Well, it wasn't long before I was back watching my soaps. And I still am watching them... I'm watching them right now, in fact.
Oh my... OLTL is starting... that means it's 2 o'clock, so I should end this post and see if my girlie's online.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
My Favorite Sweets
- Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
- Ice Cubes
- Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls
- Cheese Cake
- Brownies
- Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream
- Pound Cake
- Nestle Crunch w/ Peanut Butter, Ltd. Ed.
- Vanilla Shakes
- Rhubarb Pie
Note that I left these in the order that I thought of them, feeling that doing so would most accurately reflect my favorites. If I were to rearrange the list, it would be in quite a different order, though.
Missed My Stop...
Ok... I've decided I might be best off If I type my blog entries into NoteTab first. Well... I had a semi-productive day today. Atleast I finally got my butt to the store for groceries. It's a wonder I actually made it there though. I was so spaced out on the bus that I missed my stop. Now the funny thing is, in all the years that I've been taking the CATA bus, I have never known it to not stop at Meijer. There's always somebody getting on and/or getting off the bus there. But not today... today I was off in la-la land, and the bus just went right on past. Well, after I realized that I'd missed my stop, I could've got off at the next stop and walked back across the street. But for some reason I decided it would be best if I stayed on the bus and took it to the Mall, and then back around to the stop after that, which is closer than the first stop after Meijer. So I stayed on the bus.
By the time I got to the Mall, some minute and 10 seconds later, I had changed my plans. I decided to get off at the Mall and eat at the food court. So I got off the bus and walked into the refreshingly air-conditioned Mall.
Wow... it had been quite a while since I had been to the Mall. I wasn't even sure what direction to go in. Then when I finally got myself turned around properly, I realized that the food court had been moved. Well, in any case, I eventually made it to the food court. I was hoping to eat at McDonald's, but when they moved the food court on me, the seem to have tossed McDonald's to the McWay-side. There is no McDonald's in the Mall anymore...:(
So, I walked around the food court scoping out my options. Every place that interested me had long lines. It was lunch time, after all. So after Walking the perimiter of the food court, I continued on my way without stopping to eat.
I walked through the Mall refreshing my memory of its layout, and noticing the new stores that have popped up since I was last there. The only store I actually went into was Spencer's Gifts. Always one of my favorite stores. Spencer's is the shop I was never supposed to go into as a kid, but did anyway. Then one day after looking around the merchandise, I asked my mother what a vibrator was. She knew I'd been to Spencer's Gift then...lol.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I left the Mall and walked to Meijer, did my shopping and came home. There's alot more that I could write, but I've written enough for now. See what happens? I leave more house for 2 short hours, and I wanna talk about every little detail...lol.
By the time I got to the Mall, some minute and 10 seconds later, I had changed my plans. I decided to get off at the Mall and eat at the food court. So I got off the bus and walked into the refreshingly air-conditioned Mall.
Wow... it had been quite a while since I had been to the Mall. I wasn't even sure what direction to go in. Then when I finally got myself turned around properly, I realized that the food court had been moved. Well, in any case, I eventually made it to the food court. I was hoping to eat at McDonald's, but when they moved the food court on me, the seem to have tossed McDonald's to the McWay-side. There is no McDonald's in the Mall anymore...:(
So, I walked around the food court scoping out my options. Every place that interested me had long lines. It was lunch time, after all. So after Walking the perimiter of the food court, I continued on my way without stopping to eat.
I walked through the Mall refreshing my memory of its layout, and noticing the new stores that have popped up since I was last there. The only store I actually went into was Spencer's Gifts. Always one of my favorite stores. Spencer's is the shop I was never supposed to go into as a kid, but did anyway. Then one day after looking around the merchandise, I asked my mother what a vibrator was. She knew I'd been to Spencer's Gift then...lol.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I left the Mall and walked to Meijer, did my shopping and came home. There's alot more that I could write, but I've written enough for now. See what happens? I leave more house for 2 short hours, and I wanna talk about every little detail...lol.
Loneliness, My Best Friend
Well... here it is another day. I was up until 4 in the morning. I did alot of crying. I've got that lonely feeling creeping over me again. Yup... my dear old friend loneliness. My best friend... tried and true.
I plan on starting into the serious posting soon. Will deal with some cool and interesting stuff that I've stumbled upon on the net. Also will write some more about myself, my life, my personal history, friends and family, etc. But right now, I've gotta get into the shower so I can make that trip to the store. I'd like to eat today... something besides rice.
I plan on starting into the serious posting soon. Will deal with some cool and interesting stuff that I've stumbled upon on the net. Also will write some more about myself, my life, my personal history, friends and family, etc. But right now, I've gotta get into the shower so I can make that trip to the store. I'd like to eat today... something besides rice.
Monday, August 02, 2004
Just because I can
What's On My Floor Right Now?
- Two empty pizza boxes
- Four empty beer cans
- Two ashtrays, both over-flowing with cigarette butts
- Atleast one empty Kool pack and one empty Kite pouch
- Too much dirty laundry to name individually
- One empty glass once used for wine
- Another empty glass with a spoon in it that was used to eat Grapenuts
- A networking study guide
- A giant bible, once given to my mother by my father
- Three weights
- Several cat toys
- Loads of white cat hair
- Some spilled catnip
- Yesterday's junk-mail
Damn I'm Boring...
Yeah I'm back... and I still have nothing to say cuz I'm so boring. I haven't gone to the store for Groceries yet, so I'm still hungry. I'm fixing some rice, though... as that's all I seem to have to eat. I cleaned the grout in my shower while I was offline. Other than that and starting my rice, that's all I've done. I talked to Channy for a bit, not that she was very talkative. She said she was online looking for hairstyles and then she got offline to get in the bath. She said she'll be back in an hour... oh my... when am I ever going to go to the store? When am I ever going to do ANYTHING that I should be doing? My place is an absolute pig sty. Maybe I'll write more about that later. Right now I have to go ten to my rice.
Cigarettes For Lunch
Ok, let's try this again. Not that I've done anything since my last entry. I've just been sitting here smoking... but what's new. I should have been getting my ass in the shower and heading to Meijer for some groceries so I can eat. But instead I'm sitting here hungry as hell smoking. Oh the excitement of my life... Maybe I'll write more when I actually have something to say for a change.
A Blog For Pooge
Wellnowthisisinteresting...I'mtryingtowritemyveryfirstblogentryandforsomereasonmyspacesaren'tshowing...what'supwiththat?Andmytextdoesn'tseemtobewrapping,either. IfItabIgetaspace. Do I have to hit tab between each of my words? hmmmmmm... Idon'tunderstandtheproblem. The problem is not with my spacebar, as it works elsewhere, just not in this form. Could it be a firefox issue? Who knows... Icanedititbyedithtmlperhapsi'lljusthavetotypemyblogsusingthatratherincompose. Ok now I'm typing in the HTML editor. Atleast I'm getting spaces. Well this certainly is interesting. I'm hungry and I don't feel like dealing with this now. Think I'll try to sort out the problem later. But I'm still gonna post this, despite its problems and lack of interesting content.
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